I’ve got some serious issues rolling around in my head. and I’m writing them all down in attempts of sorting them out. And possibly attain some great advice/knowledge from you wiser folk.
The last few weeks have been really bad for me. Emotionally speaking. Taking care of the kids is really taking it’s toll on me. I feel my "self" is withering away, like I’m drowning. I feel lost and disoriented. Every morning for the last few weeks I’ve been thinking to myself “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Each day I dread the immediate turn of the Lummin dial to MAXIMUM in the morning. The screaming, whining, crying, and fighting. It grates on my nerves and I hear those same words coming out of my mouth “I don’t want to do this anymore. This is not for me."
I cannot even sit down for five freaking minutes to eat my breakfast!
I’ve become easy frustrated and impatient with the Lummins.
Sophie's been quite a challenge lately and I've totally wanted to hit her.
She's made me soooo angry I just wanted to slap her!
No, I didn't hit her and I won't. And if some of you are shocked and think I'm a horrible parent- you can suck it because you are not in my shoes right now!
This may just be a phase sure....but I think it's time for change.
I want to ENJOY my time with my kids. And right now I’m not.
They will go to their “summer school” morning preschool a few days a week for the next month.
And that's when I 'm going to look for something to do. Get a job perhaps?
Though, this is where the big dilemma comes in-
WHAT THE HELL WOULD I DO?
I'd like something part time, to get out of the house a bit and DO SOMETHING. A real job where you are recognized and get paid. It doesn't matter if it's a day or evening job, but if I have to get childcare then the job must pay enough to at least cover the costs.
I am a teacher by trade and degree. And I truly enjoy teaching.
(small sidenote story here)- Yesterday at the mailbox were two letters from previous students-two of my first graders, now fifth graders. Their letters were sweet and thanked me for teaching them various subjects or facts. One student wrote that I was still his "best and favorite teacher." I totally cried and missed those bright-eyed young students... somehow teaching and taking care of 20 first graders was easier than taking care of my own 2 kids!
But teaching elementary school children is tiring itself and I would bring so much of my work home. I put my all and everything into my work. Standing up and moving around all day, keeping up with a classroom of 6 and 7 year olds. I’d be exhausted and don’t think I’d have the energy to be a good parent to my own children the way I’d like to.
I certainly don’t want to teach older children. A part-time preschool teacher?
But then do I really want to just trade children- give mine to someone else so I can teach preschoolers part time? No.
What kind of job can you get that is part time, pays enough to cover childcare if needed, and is WORTH getting a job for???
~~~
My dream job would be a free-lance photographer, a journalist, a storyteller, a Victoria’s Secret salesperson, or even a hired organizer…
If you have any of these positions available please email me promptly (down below on the right)
Fat chance right?
I've got to think more creatively here.
And I'm not getting into all the guilt I feel about this...
But these questions keep nagging at me:
How can I not be able to take care of my own two children?
How can so many mothers who have less than I, but with more children, handle it so well?
Why can I not suck it up and learn to control my emotions better?
Signed,
A totally confused mother of two
24 comments:
I dont know how you feel on the subject of raising two little ones because I dont have kids I will tell you doing something just for you might be exactly what you need. There is nothing wrong with doing something for you so that you are a better mother to your children. The lummins will get to be with other children and wont be fighting with eachother and their mama will get a much needed break. who says you cant have it all...look for something you love part time I am sure it is out there.
I think Victoria Secret is always hiring!
Hugs hang in there you are a fabulous mother and above all a fabulous persone!
person that was meant to be!
Yup.
How about we both go into business in the black-market children industry? We'll have four "products" right off the bat!
Only kidding...do not be sending the police to my house...
I never thought that I had what it takes to stay home with my kids. I always envisioned going back to work after having my first; problem was life had other plans (I was laid off when I was 5 months pregnant). I did finally go back, part time and for a while I had the best of both world. Enough outside time for me and my career and my interests, while also enjoying my time with my son. Then I got pregnant with my second and yet another fork in the road -- something by the name of cancer. :-)
I had some days this past winter where I thought that I was going to lose my mind. Smacking my children -- never did, but was tempted too a few time too many for my liking.
I finally found something for 'me' again -- web design for my hubby's side business. The pay sucks (LOL) but it has become something that I truly enjoy, something that helps me find my 'self' again.
Sorry to ramble...
I hope that you stumble upon that special something that gives you a little part of yourself back or something new and exicting that keeps you from losing your sanity.
I'm so wishing you were on the other end of the phone. I think we could have a good cry...good laughs...and we could totally understand each other.
So today was my birthday and guess what..my mom ended up in the psych ward...I figured out I'm desperately unhappy with a drunk..oh and I did 26 words in the crossword puzzle. LOL. how's that for a mix.
xoxo
C
If you always were the "perfect" mom, I'd think you were insane. Frankly, I don't know any of you mothers do it. If you need to find something outside of your home, I say go for it. I don't have any perfect words of advice about job searching but just keep looking and you will stumble upon what will be perfect for you. Until then, big hugs to you.
As TKW would say, any mother who doesn't have times like this is a total "Jane." Or she is on some seriously good meds.
((((HUGS))))
I go through days like this, and I have just one. I cannot imagine dealing with two toddlers. I toyed with the idea of getting a job, but yeah, all my income would go to day care. No thanks. So, I am starting my own business...
Anyway, I just keep telling myself that once he hits kindergarten, it's all over for OUR time. KWIM? Then he's at school all day, every day, and as much as he is up my ass all the time, I don't want to miss it when he's not under my skin.
RAMBLES.
:)
HUGS
No kids = No right to give advice :) All I can say is that I taught preschool, and 8 hours a day with the kids about drove me nuts, so I get how spending 24/7 with kids could be a bit, um, taxing. I hope you figure out something, and in the meantime, we're all here for you.
I'm going through this, too, and like you I am battling the "can't do this anymore" twitch. I don't have any answers. I only know that I haven't found anything that feels right yet except for my work on the school board. I can throw myself into that and once or twice during the day I find I'm not a mom -- I'm a capable, confident and determined woman.
Why does motherhood make me feel incapable, self-conscious and fearful? I truly don't know.
Maybe you and I need to take some chances, and your idea of a job may be a good one. I've thought of it myself.
Email me on the "hired organizer" thing... I might have a lead for you in that direction... I know a lady that hires people out to help organize offices and homes and that type of thing.
I hear ya though... I think EVERYONE (and if they say they don't, they are lying bitches) have moments of "I don't want to do this anymore". I love love love my kids, but there are days when I just want to run away. It's HARD.
Hang in there, woman, and do what's best for you!
No kids, so I should shut it, but I sometimes felt this way towards my sisters. (((((hugs))))) even though you don't know me. :-)
Job suggestions?
Photographer for small local newspaper or penny pincher?
Work at a local bookstore? (you could start a book/photography club)
Work at a craft/scrapbooking store?
Start your own photography business like Kami and Kristine?
I had all three kids under the age of 5 (almost under the age of 4... we missed it by 2 days). LOL.
I know how you feel... exactly. :)
I'm thinking you should look into part time waitress at Applebee's or something in the evenings... or get that VS job at the mall. They ALWAYS are hiring because so many teens just don't show up.
(((hugs)))
No one ever said it was easy that's for sure.
Every single woman has these feelings, it is perfectly normal and if they say they don't ... they are lying!
These feeling do come and go. Now for myself, I was a SAHM for only one year and thought I was going to go insane. Work provides something that mothering cannot.
I think you could be a great photographer, I understand that the getting started would be the most difficult. Personally, I'm not crazy about the wonderful world of retail, but some love it.
But the most important thing is that you are NOT a bad mother, you are NOT a bad person for having these feelings. The Lummins WILL pass this stage and move on to another one that will challenge you in other ways.
Hang in there.
I feel you.
I've had those same thoughts, and I, like Kami, really can't bear the thought of missing out on any of the kid stuff during these fleeting years, even the angry, challenging stuff.
I was where you are last summer. And thought I would lose.my.mind. Seriously had doubts about bringing the 3rd into the mix, but being already pregnant, it was moot, really.
I can tell you, it gets better. Not all days, but many. Those lessons in sharing, using your words (kids, not YOU;))etc. DO pay off in a few months.
But maybe do get a PT job while they're at their school, retail is an obvious choice as it's easy to schedule, and very little responsibility.
You could also go the photog route. Put up some flyers advertising your services on message boards in local parks, Craigslist, your kids' school, etc. Totally on your own time, and you could see how it goes. It seems like you really enjoy it, and you are obviously quite talented with a good 'eye'.
Follow your heart, pray about it. Watch your children while they sleep today. The answer will come.
(((HUGS)))
I've always said that I don't condone child abuse, but I certainly understand it. Those little buggers can drive you insane. I can't imagine spending all day everyday with my kids.
You will find something you like. Surely Vickey's will hire you! :)
Girlfriend, I was around my neice and nephew for a mere 5 days straight, and didn't have all the parenting responsibility and thought I was going to lose my damn mind. Couldn't wait to get back to my crappy desk with my nice morning cup of coffee while I peruse blogs peacefully.
I will point out that although a job seems like a good escape, let me remind you that they have their own stresses as well. Why not put the kids in daycare a bit and take tennis lessons down at the countryclub from some hot young guy named 'Hans' or something? :) hee-hee-hee-hee-hee... just kidding!
You never could be a bad mother and admitting you feel that way sometimes doesn't make you a bad person in the least. Heck, there are times I want to smack my cats really hard when they won't let me sleep. It is normal to have those thoughts and feelings. Everyone does - whether they admit it or not. The difference is being able to not act on them. (that was like a whole hour of therapy in college... I just saved you $120...) hee-hee
My only advice and the only thing that has helped me...(to quote Kami)...some seriously good meds. ;)
Is that cheating? Maybe. I don't care.
Are you really saying "I am not valued!"? You are depressed because you have just come down from a fabulous holiday with your husband and friends during which you were only responsible for yourself. Now you are back to running a household for four and being the perfect mother, wife and blogger.
Regardless of how much women convince themselves that the work they do in the home is as important as that done in the boardroom, until we have equal control and influence in more boardrooms and legislatures, we will always have guilt and concern about our value in the home.
In Europe women get better paid maternity leave, vacations and assistance(often free daycare or nursery programs) with small children - why because their work and families are more valued by their society.
North Americans give lip service to the value of families. Even Cuba has free day care for everyone.
In your case you can either view the glass as half full or half empty. You should feel free to validate your feelings and then by expressing them determine a course of action.
Guilt is of no value.
I had 7 weeks off of work with my first child and 3 mos with my second child. At 32 and 31 they are normal functioning members of society. It is about the quality of the time not the quantity.
I praise the women who stayed home with their children because they were excellent child care providers for mine.
There is no right or wrong answer for your decision re your own family, rather it should satisfy your family's needs. Set your goals both short term and long term. For example you could supply teach or run a day care out of your home.
Create a portfolio of your photos and send them out to different magazines and newspapers as cold calls and see what reaction you get.
Put up an ad at your local community bulletin board and offer to take family photos for a price.(you could take some of your friends at a lower price if they allow you to use copies in advertising.
Find a mother's group or start one and exchange child care servicess weekly so you can get a break one day a week and it would be good for your kids. Use this free day or afternoon to take care of Jackie.
Stop trying to keep a spotless house and remember no one will write on your tombstone that you were tidy.
Take some tips from that nanny on tv from england who has good ideas about behaviour of children and the time out area. Let me just say that I did spank my children when all else failed and although I was never proud of this - I remain convinced that every now and then it is the answer. I have no guilt about it today.
If you establish long range goals as well you will see a time line that shows in 4 more years you will have your lummins in school all day. Just seeing this posted will bring some relief.
If Dwayne has 2 days off every week take half a day off for yourself and plan in advance what you will do. The anticipation alone of free time will give you joy.
Your writing is so good you could also advertise that you will write letters for people for a fee - ie if they need to respond to government correspondence or do their taxes or something like this. Or maybe photos and a jounal of their family life to leave to their grandchildren for a fee.
Jacqueline darling you are perfectly normal and your feelings are too. The very fact that you can express them so eloquently is a blessing. Write down dailly three things you are thankful for. It will bring a smile to your face and if you want to share them with us great as you always bring joy to my day when I check your blog.
Your vaildation from Sophie and Holden will come years from now and in my view you are on the right path. You are in my prayers.
Jackie
Likewise I don't have kids so I can't really relate. But my roommate has a 9-month kid and has to raise it all by herself, and I can see that there are times when she's losing it and wonders what it would be like to be independent and child-free again (she's only 28).
Your kids' starting school marks the beginning of a new chapter for you. A part-time job where you could use your talents and channel that energy of yours would be a wonderful option. You'd make a great Victoria's Secret saleswoman (and model, ahem), I'm sure. Yet surely there are more rewarding, challenging opportunities for talented, creative and outgoing women like you out there.
Whatever you decide to do, follow your passion. You can only be truly happy until you find and do something you love for a living.
I have two kids (5 and 2) I feel your pain. I am a teacher too. And I work part time! LOL! It can be done. Right now I teach science and computers to elementary kids. Its the perfect amount of work and home. Anyhow if you feel you need out, then you do. Working part time somewhere (Victorias secret...etc.) might be just the ticket. Best of luck
You and I have talked about this issue a few times. I don't think I can say it any better than Jackie did in his/her response. (BTW, was that your friend Jackie from college?) Do not feel guilty about not wanting to be a mommy any more. As many of your blogger friends have stated, that is a normal feeling. It's your inner self telling you that you need to do something more, something different. As others have said, listen to your heart. Don't get any job just to be out of the house. Do something you really like. I know you love to teach, but who said it has to be full time. Check out part time positions. What about tutoring or working with kids to "get them ready for school"? In either of those cases, you could set your own days/hours.
You know how I feel about your ability to write and take photos. Perhaps that is a route you should pursue. Chances are you might not find something in that area right away, but you never know!
Follow your heart, follow your dreams. When you do, you will find that you will be an even better mother than you already are.
Love, Mom
I'm late to post, but I just wanted to say that we all feel like these now and then. I love my child more then words, but there are times I just feel like I don't have the energy to keep up, be a good wife and the mom I want to be. I do agree you need more you time!
Looks like you got some good advice. Since I work full time I can't imagine what you go through every day. I know that I couldn't do it. I want to find something part time too because I feel like I'm missing out.
Good luck!
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