Here is Big Baby.
(No, not Sophie, although sometimes...)



Who had to have her own pumpkin for Halloween.
Who had to have her own Christmas stocking.
Who likes to have her own snacks.

I bet we'll have to pay for her to go to college too.

In hopes of quenching my anxieties that I am becoming an alcoholic because I like to drink a beer each night, I am conducting a poll inquiring as to how much you like to drink.
Please take note of the poll to your right and vote!
(Your answers are anonymous of course so no need to fear that we will all find out you are a LUSH!)
Ok, I'm off for a Heiny...

update on poop and other various ailments

It's been quite a weekend.
Holden: sick; shitting his pants by the hour; literally have to pry his mouth open with your fingers to give him his medicine now; middle of night awakenings and refusal to go back to sleep.
Sophie: sick; fever, tummy ache, crabby, whiney, obstinate
Daddy: sick; fever, chills, body aches, tummy aches, can't move
Mommy: TIRED! no sleep, no breaks, feels gross, overworked, and underpaid for this job

A slice of freedom

After two days of being held captive in the house with Holden and Sophie, anyone could lose their mind.
Thursday we had to rush to the doctor's office to be there for a squeezed-in 8:50 appointment, only to sit and wait for 40 minutes in the lobby. Turns out Holden's fever and lack of sleep for the last few nights was due to an ear infection. Trekking to the pharmacy and waiting another 45 minutes for the antibiotics was yet another barrel of laughs and fun with the kids in tow.
I was warned that these antibiotics can cause diarrhea. BOY, they were not kidding! I believe I had to change Holden's pants at least 12 times yesterday, myself three times, and had to do laundry twice as we ran out of clean pants for the kid.
I was also warned that the medicine was a bit foul tasting, so I opted for the additional flavoring hoping we might convince Holden to take the medicine.
Nope. No way. He was not fooled.
After three different times of him throwing the medicine back up at us, we have finally devised a plan that seems to get most of the medicine down his throat in one sitting. Mind you, it takes twenty minutes for the whole process to be completed.
You lay on the floor with him and get him to a) laugh or b) cry; then you quickly shove the syringe down the back of his throat and squirt just a little bit while blowing in his face at the same time so his natural reaction is to suck in and swallow. You cannot squirt too much at once though because it will all just run out the side of his mouth and down his neck. Repeat the process many times until all medicine is gone.
You must have a minimum of three paper towels at hand and lots of patience.
However, Holden is catching on to the plan and clamps his lips shut using his tongue as a barricade as soon as he sees that medicine syringe coming.

And we are supposed to endure ten days of this.

For fear of being drenched in liquid poop, we haven't left the house the last two days.
Needless to say I've a bit of cabin fever and was seriously desperate to flee the house.
When Dwayne got home from work yesterday I got to take a shower. A shower. What a luxury!
My friend Lauren and I were going to go out for some food and drinks. So I got dressed, did my hair and makeup, and put on my fabulous new shoes.
I didn't care where we were going, we could have been going to Walmart, but dammit- I was going to wear my new shoes!
When I came downstairs feeling like REAL person and looking all sexy, Sophie looks at me and asks "Where are you going?"
"I'm going out with Lauren."
"But where are you and Lauren going? I want to come!"
"We're going out drinking Sophie. You can't come with us."
"But I want to come... I can bring my milk and drink it!"
Poor girl just didn't get it.

Getting to that slice of freedom...
We headed out to a few restaurant/bars and had a good time. Relaxing. Good food.
I didn't care that when we were at a low-key Mexican restaurant where everyone was in jeans and t-shirts and you had to use paper towels for toilet paper, that I was a tad over-dressed in my sparkly shirt and sparkly three inch heels. I didn't care. I looked good and I was out of the house!

Returning home a few hours later with a nice buzz, we joined Dwayne in one last drink and smoke outside.
Me, being obsessed with my new BAMF shoes, was gloating about how sexy I looked and that Dwayne should take me out somewhere nice so I could wear them again...
"Dwayne, you'll probably have some nice functions to go to at your new job. Will you take me so I can wear my new..."
OOPS! When I went to touch his arm, somehow I knocked the glass of wine right out of his hands and it crashed to the ground.
"...shoes?"
Perfect timing for that question.
I'm sure he'll want to take graceful Jackie out to one of his company functions. But only if I'll make a scene in my new shoes and promise to break at least one glass.

I reclaim my breasts in one month!

(Sorry for not having pictures to go along with this post)

In a month I will be collecting all my nursing bras and burning them. Oh wait, I can't burn them because of the burning ban right now....hmmmmm...maybe I can fit them through the shredder!

It's not that I have minded breastfeeding. It's just that I want my body back after three years of sacrificing my womb and breasts for my beautiful children.
And let's hit that subject for a moment shall we?
My breasts...
I have always had really small boobs.
Fine. They are what they are.
I've always been somewhat anti-boob job for myself. I didn't mind my small boobs because they were nice and perky.
But alas, after bearing two children and breasts changing from a size A, to B, to D!!, down to C, and finally back to B (and two times through this sequence), they are just not what they used to be.
Boob job? Not feeling so anti about it now.

Not only will my breasts be MINE again, so will my whole body.
Do you realize what this means?!??
It means I'm free to take medicine without having to call the doctor or consult my lactation book, it means I can drink alcohol freely without the bothersome side effect of getting my child drunk, it means I can eat chocolate all day if I want and not worry about providing the right nutrition for my child, it means I can buy push'em up pad'em up bras from Victorias Secret again!

A big nasty two and a half year old tantrum

Over????
She had to stop jumping on our bed.

I confess

I am a complete blogging idiot.
It took me a good two months to figure out how to put a link in a post.
And now the biggest "Duh!" moment has come...
It has been a year and I JUST NOW realized there's this "compose" tab where you can write your post, change font colors, use bold type, change picture sizes, make bullets, etc.
I was so excited to find this!
And then I realized what a complete idiot I have been that it has taken me this long.
A year people.

I used to think that all you other bloggers were living in some fancy computer world where you knew how to post pictures, links, and even change your font color all by yourselves...that there was this secret code that only really intelligent computer people knew.
Ha! Not anymore.
The secret is out folks.
I can now change font colors and picture sizes like the rest of you geniuses!

The Five Hundred Dollar Tooth

This is the $500 tooth Dwayne has had in his mouth for the last year and a half.


About 8 years ago I met Dwayne in a bar. He and I had both had a few drinks too many. Dwayne was being a real booger and kept trying to cop a feel and pinch my butt. Normally I would have just flitted him off and kept on walking.
But for some reason he intrigued me and I stuck around. After 20 minutes or so of the ass grabbing I decided I had really had enough! I wanted to let him know in a joking way so I was going to punch him in the chest and say something like "Knock it off buddy!"
But as I went to punch him I missed... and socked him right in the mouth!
He looked so shocked as his mouth started bleeding. I began apologizing profusely and that's when he realized his front tooth was loose.
He didn't speak to me again the rest of the night. Nor did he grab my ass anymore.
After an expensive dentist visit he had to have his front tooth removed and later capped with a fake one.

Just kidding.
Did I get ya?

He really lost his tooth about 23 years ago playing soccer as he was diving for the ball and smacked into the goalpost after bouncing off another player.
Or so the story goes.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago.
The tooth post where the fake tooth was screwed into his gum was starting to decay. He had to have it removed and lucky guy got to wear this fakey until the whole process of replacing the post was completed.
Every night as soon as Dwayne would come home from work the tooth came out and I was graced by his beautiful smile minus the front tooth.


His fakey was horribly uncomfortable, hard to eat with because food would always get stuck underneath, and it made his lips chapped all the time.

So he was elated last week when he finally got his real fake tooth! It's screwed in there for good and he doesn't have to wear the fabulous five hundred dollar tooth anymore!

I did a bad bad thing

This is sooooo not like me.

Friday night I met a girlfriend at the mall. They have this great spa where we decided to treat ourselves with a nice pedicure.
But not just any pedicure. We got the big daddy of a pedicures. The works with the sea salt scrub and tea tree oil masque. $55 for the whole deal. But felt ohhhh so good!

With gorgeous red toenails and some smooth feet, I accompanied my friend to the shoe store to help her pick out a pair of boots. Feeling like a queen with my new bad ass toes, I stumbled upon the most beautiful pair of shoes I had ever seen.
I tried them on giddy like a addict scoring some crack. They were fabulous and I HAD to have them!!
Then I turned the shoe over and gasped at the $98 price tag.
I have never. Never. Spent that much money on a pair of shoes.
I pride myself on being a thrifty shopper who clips coupons and shops around in the clearance section of Target to score deals.

But these shoes.... ahhhhh, I had to get them.
I devised a plan to validate their necessity.
I would weear them ALL the time. That's it.
I could come home wearing them and nothing else while I seductively convinced Dwayne that they were worth every penny.
I'll wear them to my physical therapy appointment and show them off to my therapist.
I'll weear them to bed.

What I really ended up doing was trying them on at home and not even saying a word about the price.
Oh and I opted for the seductive route on winning them over with Dwayne.

Behold....


The sexiest damn shoes ever.
I feel so hot in them!
Like Sarah Jessica Parker when she finds the perfect pair of Manolo Blahniks.
Expensive, but WHO CARES!

Eyes on Nature

Besides the fact that we're in some big drought right now here, we've had some absolutely gorgeous weather the last few months.
Beautiful sunny days, warm days for playing outside in your t-shirt, cooler days where you needed a light jacket and could run around without sweating too much. (Never mind the runny noses and sneezing due to high allergy factors.)


We haven't even really had a winter.
And we've been loving it! Sorry to all you folks that live up North in cold places. I crack up when I talk to you Canadians and Wisconsiners that tell me you've been having fairly good weather...and it's 40 degrees!

Look what I stumbled upon today


It feels like Spring is just around the corner.

And I got a question for you folks who might know a thing or two about plants.
Can you tell me what this plant is? (C'mon Carrrie C...I know you like to look up shtuff on the internet.)


See,
Sophie likes to pick these berries and play house, cooking with them in her little playhouse. And I'm just worried one day she or Holden will eat them. And they might start swelling or frothing at the mouth. And then I'll have to call Poison Control and when they ask me what kind of berries they ingested I'll have NO CLUE.
"Uhhhhh, the one with red berries and some green leaves and some yellowish with hints of red."
Oh yeah, thaaaaaat one.

Listen up Folks

I've been doing some thinking...

I started this blog a year ago.
I wanted a way for our far-away family and friends to keep in touch and feel like they were a part of our everyday lives. I wanted a place to tell funny stories about the kids and include Dwayne's thoughts too.
That part has been great!
(Although Daddy rarely comes to the blogsite to read or write these days.)

But sometimes I feel like I have to "tame" myself and can't really divulge TMI, for fear that family members or certain people may be offended.
There are days when I'd like to bitch a little more, or say "shit", or talk about things that may ruin your image of me as a good mom/wife/lady (ok, if you know me personally then it wouldn't ruin your image), or talk about things that some people just don't give a crap about.

So I've decided that although this is the "Lum" blog, it really comes from me. It's my point of view, opinions, and thoughts, and I should get to say whatever I feel like!
That's what I'm getting at here. I'm no longer going to write this for other people. I have other readers besides my family, and if I write about something that offends them, so be it. The content will mainly be the same here, but if someday I want to write fuck fuck fuck, then I will.
I have considered starting another blog of my own where I could do these things and keep it a secret from my family. But then that just gets too complicated for me...

Just thought I'd let ya'll know before you read something that makes you cringe and wish you didn't know me.

Happy Wednesday!

Would you like to dance?


Shake it Baby




She's got all the right moves

Because...
I love taking pictures with my new camera
you've probably seen enough pictures of my kids this week
there's no one else to take and post pictures of me
I've always secretly wanted to be a model but could never for obvious reasons

-Jackie

The King and The Slobbery Kong

Here is King Hendrix.


And the slobbery Kong that you must throw for him at least 125 times a day.

I have found for the dog that can chew through a tennis ball a day and Frisbees by the hour, a Kong is the ultimate dog toy. It takes a good 6 months or longer to destroy one of these things.
Hendrix is VERY obsessive about his Kong (probably due to the OCD he inherited from the family).
Not only do you have to throw it repeatedly for him every time you walk outside, there is a certain protocol you must follow to play Kong with Hendrix.
First he runs around to search for the Kong he can't ever remember where he last left it. When he returns he has to slobber and chew on the Kong a minimum of 7 times before he will drop it. Then he nudges it to you with his nose and finally allows you to throw it.
If you try to take the Kong before he has fully slobbered it up, you will be DENIED! He will stand there and hold on to his Kong as if his dear life depended on it, but at the same time paw at you and give you the sad eyes that he wants to play.
You must follow the rules.
Slobber slobber slobber, then wait for the nudge.
Now, once you have the basic rules down you are obligated to play Kong over and over until your arm tires and you are covered in slobber up to your elbows.


Hendrix has been my baby for 11 years now.
Many years ago, I wanted to buy a pup for my boyfriend Todd. He said he wanted a blue heeler. I had never seen or heard of a blue heeler before, but have now come to know that heelers are the best dogs ever!
So we found this farm out in Bastrop that had heeler puppies and drove out to pick one. Todd picked out this sweet little red heeler puppy who puked in my car on the ride home. I didn't bond with Hendrix right away. But after one long road trip with him in the front seat on my lap the whole 12+ hours, we became best buds.
I stole him after Todd and I broke up.
Hendrix has been my protector, my confidant, my date, my exercise buddy, my cow herder, my pillow, my buddy, and my favorite dog for 11 years.


One of the funniest things about Hendrix is his persistence. He will keep after until he gets his way.
I used to take him to the river with me many times a week down in San Marcos. He would endlessly entertain us as we were swimming and sucking back a few beers.
He would first find a stick and bring it over for you to throw. He'd fetch the stick in the river, over the rocks, down the cliffs...but after a few throws with that stick he would come back with a bigger one. A few more throws and he would come back with an even bigger one. This would continue until he was literally dragging an entire tree branch 7 feet long over to you to throw. And would whine and whimper if you couldn't lift it up to throw for him!

Now we do have another dog, Toni, and I will tell her story another day, but you will never see a picture of her. For some strange unknown reason as soon as she sees a camera she heads for the hills. Every single time. Even when I'm trying to be sneaky and hide it behind my back. You won't see her until a good half an hour after the camera is put away.
Weird.

Way Back Wednesday: My 15 Minutes of Fame

The Kept Woman wants us to play her game of Way Back Wednesday... our "Fifteen minutes of fame! Lets see any theatrical/dance/etc. productions that you've taken part in, even if it is just you being a drama queen."

So here I am with my sister. Just look at that angelic smug on my face and you can tell it wasn't too far of a stretch pretending to be an angel.


And here I am dressed in my normal attire that I usually wore to school.


Just kidding.
I don't know what the heck I was trying to do except dress up and probably act out some rock star fantasy of one kind or another.
...Back in the glory days of childhood where you didn't know better and didn't care.
Now I just stick with the latter.

I had somethig brilliant to say and then I forgot

What I do know is that if you are open minded enough and are not a homophobe you should go see the excellent film, Brokeback Mountain.
Beautiful cinematography and a great but tragic love story (plus the guys are HOT!).
It definitely kept me thinking for longtime afterward...

My two hot guys:


And I know I have two goals for the next few months.
1. Exercise
2. Don't smoke

I tried a jog/half walk this morning with the kids in the BOB up and down our hilly neighborhood.
Kicked. my. ass.
My lungs were on fire and I felt like I was either going to puke or pass out.
That's when I decided all those nighttime cigarettes I had smoked the last week were taking their toll.
No more.
An occasional smoke when I get to go out and have a few drinks is ok, but I cannot become a smoker smoker again.

And exercise feels good. I feel good physically and a whole lot mentally. I have more confidence and I am happier when I exercise. I have an easier time actually doing this when I am already exercising, the hard part for me is just getting started. So today I started.

And those are my goals.
Simple enough. I am going to write them on a piece of paper and tape them to my mirror so I see them everyday and remember.
Exercise and Don't Smoke.

One Crabby Lady

That would be me.
My idea of a fun Saturday morning DOES NOT include an awakening at 6:30 am.
Nor does it include a day of shopping at Target or going out to eat with crabby, impatient children.
Yes, you heard me correctly. I did not enjoy shopping at Target. Not with my kids today.
Holden and Sophie started out in the cart and Holden lasted about 3 minutes when we first stopped to look at the kid's clothes. He wants out. He wants Daddy. He wants Mommy. He doesn't want Mommy or Daddy. Then Sophie wants out. Holden is trying to figure out a way to use all his body weight and fling himself out of my arms. Sophie is running around and apparently on her own adgenda.
I am trying to pick out pajamas kids!
On to the little girl panty aisle. Holden's back in the cart for the ride over. Sophie is back in the cart. Holden is crying. Sophie and I pick out some panties.
Back in the cart where Sophie and Holden each get to hold a package of panties.
Ahhhhhh. Quiet for 2 minutes.
All the panties are now out of the packeges and Holden is eating the plastic wrapping.
Whatever.
He's sitting in the cart and he's not crying.
On to the next order of business...
After 15 minutes of pass-the-baby-back-and-forth game, pulling things off the shelves to try and entertain him with, chasing Sophie around the store and returning all the maxi pads she has pulled off the shelves, while trying to get the rest of our shopping done, I was D.O.N.E. and ready to run out of there screaming!

Then we had the brilliant idea we'd go have lunch at Johnny Carino's.
We must have left our parent brains at home in bed and forgot the fact that the children were already hungry and about 40 minutes past their normal lunchtime, not to mention we were creeping up quickly on the beloved Naptime.
Hungry, crabby, tired, impatient kids and eating out DO NOT MIX.
Could even be considered more lethal than drinking and driving.

How do you think this story ends?

a) Mommy and Daddy quickly down as many alcoholic drinks as they can in a half an hour as to be able to tolerate the unruly children
b) Screaming, crying, and Food To Go.
c) Mommy and Daddy excuse themselves to the bathroom but secretly leave the children behind and make a mad dash out of there!

I wonder where he gets his good looks from

This happy little guy is a cuddly 10 month old who likes to play with balls and eat dog food.
He is obsessed with the wheels on Sophie's little baby stroller which is forever bugging the living %@#* out of her. heh heh
He is going to have to be one tough kid to put up with all his big sister's bullying.
Last weekend she was literally trying to drag him out of her new tent. He is learning quickly though and can hold himself up better so when she tries to push him over it only works half the time now. And he has learned how to hold onto the pen of Sophie's Magnadoodle with such power that even I have a hard time prying it out of his hands.


Holden: The boy who can do the half crawl-half scoot like nobody.

(P.S. That is NOT a bruise left by Sophie under his chin. Merely his cute birthmark, a hemangioma, which is underneath his skin.)

The TuTu NuNu LuLu Princess

You don't know what I'm talking about?
Neither do I.
This is some new nonsense rhyming language Sophie has come up with and entertains herself by speaking in tongues.



"What would you like to eat Sophie?"
"Tutu."
"Tutu?"
"No, nunu."
"Is it a tutu or a nunu?
"Poo. Tutu Nunu. Coo."



And we go around in circles speaking this silly language.
Today I am "pooter", yesterday I was "nene."

We seem to go on a "word of the day" theme here.
Today we are back to "tutu."
That was her response to the doctor's hello today at my appointment.
"Tutu."
I have taught her well I see.



Oh, the girl is a silly one.



But she has also been downright nasty. Hitting and kicking her brother because he dares touch HER stuff (and did I tell you that EVERYTHING is hers...the toys, the dog, the rug, the books, the table, the stroller,...)
I won't allow hitting and when she has to sit in time-out she hits and kicks at me, screaming and carrying on so loud that the neighbors 3 miles away can hear her!

I will takes the NuNu's and CooCoo's anyday over the terrible Two-Two's.